Dagnabbit

Sometimes it crosses my mind that I'm worse than Lily... that I cause the problems..
  (okay.. a lot of the time)

I know just how much she struggles on a day to day basis because I fight the same battles. I get the sensory issues, I'm not that great with loud noises, not to the extent Lily gets affected by them,  but I understand the impact they have on her and why she reacts the way she does.
There was a time I couldn't get her to wear socks because she said they hurt her feet. We're past that now, but for all the times I cursed in my mind when all I was trying to do was keep my lass's feet warm, I didnt step back and compare my own sensory issues to hers at the time. I wish I had, I'd have understood it better sooner. I'm not a big fan of socks either, or gloves. They make my hands/feet tingle and that drives me nuts. When I do wear socks, they have to be odd ones. Why? Because I'm an odd person, I guess.

Lily struggles with changes to her routine, but to her credit it's a short lived hiccup most of the time... that's more than I can say for myself. If plans change for me I re-evaluate everything several times over and every scenario that could be entailed, and I panic. I panic for days (if there's that much warning), and constantly worry, it affects my sleep, and eating habits, suddenly at the slightest things I completely overreact. Anyone that is a friend has the patience of a saint because goodness knows what it must seem like from the outside looking in. (Good grief did that woman just tear the living room apart because she couldn't find a hair tie? What a nutcase!)

Social situations are like a form of torture, unless I've known the people for a while. I tend to end up sitting quietly, running through scripts in my head, playing out conversations before I've had them, thinking of possible replies, and half the time don't actually open my mouth to attempt them. Once I'm comfortable I'll stumble my way through small talk. After years of practice I can blag my way through a conversation now most of the time. Some days it's effortless, others my voice seems to run away...
Lily is just starting out on the social road... and I already see her pulling away from it, much to my despair. Not despair that she's not interacting normally etc, but despair that it's already hard for her, and despite my understanding, I still have no idea how to help her past it.

There are so many ways that me and Lily are so alike. It never hit me until the last time I took her to the pediatrician. It was our first meeting (her other one retired), We hadn't spoken much of me, just the home situation, and Lily's behavior, speech, social, etc. Regular stuff. The appointment lasted about 40 minutes I think, and during that time Lily had very calmly trashed the doctor's office. At the end the doctor asked Granny and Lily to tidy up, and turned to me and said "Did you know you may be autistic?".

That was so many months ago, yet my brain is still playing it over and over, like a lifeline. All those times I felt like I didnt fit, all the pacing back and forth on the verge of tears when someone was a few minutes late, peering out the window every few seconds to see if they were nearly here.. all the defense mechanisms, and things I had to learn the long way around because I just couldnt naturally get to. It's like a puzzle piece clicked into place.

The same puzzle piece that clicks into place every time I see lily dance to her own tune, oblivious to the world around her because she's safe in her own bubble, or go mental because there's a drier in the public toilets.. In fact every situation I see her struggle through, and mentally curse (usually through impatience, I must admit).. then when I have a quiet moment to myself I get lost in my own head and replay it all and realise.. you know what?
I'm the same.